I Am Made Of Mercury

Three things have happened recently that I believe have exacerbated my signs of autism and unfortunately made passing something a lot more difficult to achieve. People have now noticed something is 'up'. 

I will try to keep this as brief as I can. But I can't promise.

There was an instance during training connected to work whereby a facilitator made what I felt to be a discriminatory remark towards people with autism and other developmental differences. As a result, I got agitated and left the training to avoid a meltdown, but did return for the further two days training. Someone else brought this to my line manager and I had to write up, in detail, what had happened and disclose my difficulties and my autism. I am still waiting for an outcome from this three months later. This worries me. Who/how many people have seen or scrutinised private and personal information about me?

I decided to come off my Prozac after I was sedated to the point of wanting to go to sleep on the train platforms on the way to work, sleeping standing up and contemplating walking into traffic. I also noted my 14lb weight gain since going on Prozac.

So I ceased it and after an initial week of energy and euphoria, I was back to crying in public, at work, and rapidly lost my filter so that I saw connections to all pieces of information that I absorbed. 

Then I went out on a social night, for the very first time, with some girls I had never met before. The PG Girls were welcoming, funny, gorgeous and yet I broke over five years of sobriety (bar the odd drink every few months) by drinking solidly for nine hours so that I could do social. 

I then did something very very stupid. 

I was wearing a ring and I had taken it off and put it in my pocket for safekeeping as I was going to be crashing on a bed in the house of the one of the PG Girls who had kindly let me stay with the others at 5am. I vaguely remembering admiring a chunky black ring at some point that I saw in a kitchen. This too went in my pocket for safekeeping. Unfortunately, what I did not remember at the time, but later discovered when the girl messaged in a panic, was that this was her partner's engagement ring.

I immediately stated that I had drunkenly walked off with it and was very sorry and would return it ASAP, which I did. Along with a card and some limited edition Garbage Pail Kids stickers. 

Now, here's where it actually relates to autism.

To my mind, which has only 5% Theory of Mind (1/20 on the test), there was no longer a problem. I had explained where the ring was, apologised for a drunken walk-off and the very real fail in judgement by getting that drunk (even recognising that it was a very bad impression of myself to give) and then returned it ASAP with a card of apology. 

This girl has, of course, expressed her anger at my being trusted to stay in her house as a new person who then walked off with something of high value. I was distraught because this time I did understand what she meant and for the first time, I realised that I couldn't solve a social fuck-up this large with an apology or a practicality. The girl asked for time before she could trust me or even see me socially. She asked that I did not attend lunch with the rest of them because of this.

I then realised that I have never made friends with anyone outside of a structured environment. My friends have always arisen firstly from being around people for long periods in a stable construct. School. University classes. Shared hosues. Work places. But never befriended new people in bars and clubs. And when I was added to The PG Girls chatty Facebook group, I saw keenly how they interacted. How well they knew each other. Had jokes about Disney, knew of each other's food dislikes, children's birthdays, type of dogs they have. 

This may sound sad, but I tried to fit in by buying the things they liked. I ordered Killstar clothes I will probably look terrible in, a 'Unicorn Tears' shade of lipstick that is supposedly sold out everywhere and told them of new piercings I wanted. I do actually want these things, but now I question my motives. Is it for me or to fit in with a new crowd? 

This must be made clear. I don't mean to make them sound shallow. They're not. They're lovely, caring, fun-loving and want to look pretty and badass. 

I'm a tomboy. I always have been. I wear baggy jeans and most days just wear foundation for make-up. I like hoodies, not corsets. I don't do heels. I won't fit in with The PG Girls unless I can accept that I should just be me and stop trying to pass in a new way. They're smart enough to see through that eventually.

So what now?

I'm back on Prozac and tired and numb. My workplace support has been approved after four months though now apparently my probation must be extended, despite my work being described as 'exemplary'. I have learnt not to go to certain staff when I'm struggling because only now have they admitted that they know virtually nothing about autism and I feel that's underhand to state that you 'understand' when you later state that you actually don't know what a meltdown is.

And I'm pulling away from The PG Girls, because even though I think they're great and I'd love them to be my friends, I'm no good at starting new friendships and it's no good trying to break into an established group. I'm better on the fringes. It's chilly here, but at least I know where the line is.