Confirmed

Received the outcome of my Autism Spectrum Assessments finally on 8 January. Confirmed as Autism Spectrum Disorder - Asperger Syndrome.

A lot to take in, a lot of confusing thoughts about it and intense anger at being misdiagnosed and having been on 25 medications, 13 Sections and recommended for a CTO, depot, clozapine and Supported Accommodation. 

Carrying around my handy blue AUTISM ALERT card and starting post diagnostic support. Too much more to go in now, but this is weird. To understand I was born with brain differences and can no longer read about autism in the abstract, but in the personal sense. Feeling very much more alone from other people, that even with help I will always be different because I have to learn how to 'be social' and 'interact appropriately' and 'react normally'. 

There have been more meltdowns, more ripping of hair and banging of head. I feel distant from The Boyfriend who is trying very hard to cope with me. I want to retreat further into this bubble, stay in a warm nest of an Avengers duvet with my Kindle and Big Bang DVDs. Yet work have extended my contract for another 6 months so perhaps I'm not as fucked up as I believe. It's all internal, after all.

I can't explain better what this feels like beyond that I want to stay in my world and really don't want to tread further into other people's. But I know I need to and I suppose long-term, it would be healthy. 

Shakey Shakey

After ten months, the report from the consultant I saw in October finally arrived. Pretty much exactly what he summarised at the end of the appointment. Battery of tests indicate IQ in the top 2-3%, motor skills and visual processing in the high-normal range, but understanding emotions/hinting exercises very very low. He concluedes that it is indicative of ASD with possible underlying epilepsy-migraine complex. No evidence to support schizophrenia, bipolar, or a personality disorder.

So, makes sense and good that WonderWoman from the mental health team has made my ASD referral (possibly being seen in September). Also, saw a random GP who agreed to arrange an EEG for epilepsy and the 'possible significant neurological loss' caused by head injuries.

Things move forward. Still end up curled up on the floor when I had to email letting agents to see how we go about arranging a tenancy renewal. I came out of it eventually because I understood:

1) We have never missed rent
2) We passed our 3 month inspection
3) We have no record of antisocial behaviour
4) We have not been served with a notice to evict

So, groundless anxiety. Yet today, my debit card went wonky in the shop and declined. Cue suspicious looks from staff. Quickly checked balance outside and everything normal. Decided chip may have been wearing out. Then immediately get text from bank about weird transactions. Luckily the bank is so good no money was lost and card is blocked off and new one being sent out. Bizarrely this caused only physical anxiety (severe shakes), but I have managed to rationalise it all so that I am not crying or ripping out chunks of my hair.

Now, after a weird start to the day, back to bouncing between three story ideas. I lack focus. 

Also, I won £4 on a £2 scratchcard so that ain't bad.

Crap Tattoos and Great CPNs

Can't quite believe it. Had my appointment with the Single Point Access Team and The Boyfriend came with me. The mental health nurse actually listened to us. 

She heard how I was struggling and becoming more ritualistic and frustrated, that our relationship was solid, but we needed help to keep me even and also support for The Boyfriend if he was worried. He spoke to her about how I can be mute for two days after a meltdown. She gave us space to weigh up support options and said she'd spoken to my GP surgery and agreed with our perception that the secretaries were unhelpful (they won't even look at my paper notes to help me) and said she'd do my ASD referral (6-7 weeks) and would do my C+ pass renewal form (something my GP's just won't do as it's "too complicated").

This has lifted a lot of stress for us. Someone has finally heard us and is in our/my corner and hopefully this will lead to some good support and help me dial down my anxiety and rituals and keep me out of a ward. 

A change of environment has been so hard. But GPs who are nice to people that go in with physical problems and abrasive to people with mental health issues/development disorders is way out of line. And not having repeat medications ready on time is plain poor organisation. 

In other news, we walked past The Bolton Tat Shop and saw this in the window.

Why would you put this up? The other examples were pretty good. This linework looks a bit shaky. And there's a missing letter in 'noticed'...

This is the original image, courtesy of Google.

Look at it!

Just...ouch.

All Of My Flaws

After an appointment with the local mental health team following a transfer to a new county and thus a new GP surgery, I wasn't feeling all that good. Upshot is the mental health team won't take me on. On one side good as it means less poking. On the other bit of a problem if things go wrong. 

So, this meant a lot of nonstap chattering at The Boyfriend and worrying if we would cope just the two of us if I went into crisis. He was scared. I was scared and scared for his emotions. In the car we drifted into silence. It was worrying. 

Then Bastille's 'Flaws' came on and we cracked up. It was very appropriate and suddenly we were okay again. And I realised I will do anything to fight for this relationship. Now my health is not just for me, but for him, for us.

I don't know what will happen next. I know my ASD referral went to a commissioner and her report was sent to my new GP's. They haven't got it yet. I worry. I don't 'want' this diagnosis. I want clarification so I can understand the past and move forward with less confusion on my part and on medics' parts. Now I function better, some friends now judge that nothing was ever wrong. That the doctors got it wrong and I pretended. This hurts. I wish for them to have seen me when I was and am too scared to go outside, open a letter, answer a phone, or unable to explain the rolling itchiness in my brain. 

Oh, they say I look 'well' now. They mean I have a tan. This apparently means nothing is wrong.