Monkey Think Monkey Do

My two lifted up days on Prozac turned back into just...a day. Feel low, fretting about health (Is that arthritis? Gout? Chillblains? Let's go with chillblains) and swooping to worry about work. My note expires on 14th. 

I'd decided to stay off until then to give my mood to become stronger - my job requires a lot of mental resilience, which I didn't have a problem with when I started. Now I'm scared of being off that whole week. Scared to tell them I've become depressed/anxious when in my interview they asked how I handled stress. 

Not a lot can prepare you for the stress of this job unless you've done it before. And even then it's a battle.

So today I got the bus into the city (a nerve-wracking feat in itself) only to find the city was red and busy with Chinese New Year. Year of the Monkey. 

I've wanted to see it for years. But no emotional reaction. I had some Chicken McNuggets (I could live off these). No emotional reaction. I even reverted to an old compulsion that pops up when I feel really shitty and want to manufacture euphoria or excitement. 

I got another tattoo. 

Not impulsively. Compulsively. I've wanted this for awhile and have others planned and booked, but I felt I had to get this small one today to try to negate that crawling under my skin. A negation behaviour. That fear of the world. A safety behaviour. To me as natural as checking locks three times or being on NHS Choices daily. To check my bag when I get on the bus, during a journey and when I get off to make sure keys, purse, phone and bus pass have not been lost.

I can't stop doing these things. 

I know I'm obsessed with tattoos. And I do enjoy getting them, looking at them and laughing at the silly ones. I'm old. I don't believe every tattoo needs a deep, mystical meaning. A smile will do.

The blokes in the shop seemed as blank as I felt when I showed them the design. They wandered in and out whilst I had my ankle inked, talking about hangovers, Windows 10 and nipples. 

I barely felt the needle. I felt no excitement. That compulsive behaviour failed me today. But maybe the tattoo will make me laugh when I feel shitty.

Or I'll be on Tattoo Fixers next year.

Buzz Lightyear photo bombing like a boss

Crap Tattoos and Great CPNs

Can't quite believe it. Had my appointment with the Single Point Access Team and The Boyfriend came with me. The mental health nurse actually listened to us. 

She heard how I was struggling and becoming more ritualistic and frustrated, that our relationship was solid, but we needed help to keep me even and also support for The Boyfriend if he was worried. He spoke to her about how I can be mute for two days after a meltdown. She gave us space to weigh up support options and said she'd spoken to my GP surgery and agreed with our perception that the secretaries were unhelpful (they won't even look at my paper notes to help me) and said she'd do my ASD referral (6-7 weeks) and would do my C+ pass renewal form (something my GP's just won't do as it's "too complicated").

This has lifted a lot of stress for us. Someone has finally heard us and is in our/my corner and hopefully this will lead to some good support and help me dial down my anxiety and rituals and keep me out of a ward. 

A change of environment has been so hard. But GPs who are nice to people that go in with physical problems and abrasive to people with mental health issues/development disorders is way out of line. And not having repeat medications ready on time is plain poor organisation. 

In other news, we walked past The Bolton Tat Shop and saw this in the window.

Why would you put this up? The other examples were pretty good. This linework looks a bit shaky. And there's a missing letter in 'noticed'...

This is the original image, courtesy of Google.

Look at it!

Just...ouch.

Tsundoku

FINALLY! Something that combines my Japanophile/Nipponophile tendencies and my obsession with hunting and buying 'perfect book'...and then not reading it, but piling it up with other such Amazon and Waterstone's purchases. 

It frightens me how many books are waiting. Some unemployed booklovers might love this situation. Just sit and read. But between acting like some sort of 1950s housewife and doing job application after job application (for some reason people don't want to hire someone who has longstanding mental health issues...) there are not enough hours in the day. 

And, unfortunately, I am in the obsessive state whereby any remotely interesting DVD or book triggers ideas in my head that drives me to the laptop, but I can't focus enough because of the itchy brain. So it feels very...squashed in my head. Too many brilliantly put together stories out there at the moment and my brain can't filter out what is entertainment and what is inspiration.

Such terrible, terrible problems, I know.

In other news, I'm on Twitter now. For some reason, with the ability to tweet a celebrity, I thought it was some massive version of Facebook where everyone carried on conversations. 

Nope. I have tweeted Masie Williams, Jasper Fforde, Matt Haig, Augusten Burroughs, Jon McGregor and Ryu Murakami and got bugger-all back. But with 50k+ followers in some instances, this does make sense.

It's also very unnerving when random people 'follow' you. Usually they're writers who have just broken into a publishing contract and looking for exposure. Fair does. I'd do the same. My friend's eleven-year old recently decided to follow me and I made the very correct decision to make sure his Mum was okay with this. She is and frankly, this is a cool kid (comics, rollercoasters, travelling) with cool writer parents and I'm quite nice and don't swear on Twitter.

So, a run-down of the week. Mental health team appointment, job interview, family occasion, Comic-Con, tattoo appointment. Busy busy. But that ain't bad. Nice to have a routine for the next seven days that starts scarily and ends happily.

A Surprise In The Inbox

I wrote this email, not expecting a response:


Friday 20 February 2015

"Dear Mr [Chuck Palahniuk's agent],

I hope this email finds you well.

I apologise for writing with a 'fangirl' question, but I wondered if you may be able to answer this for me.

I have read that Chuck Palahniuk prefers to sign prosthetic limbs rather than his fans as people were then getting the signature tattooed. I also read that a possible reason for this is the worry of Sharpie ink entering the skin. I know someone who has a signed letter from Chuck. Would he still discourage his signature from that as a tattoo for them?

Also, I've been a fan of Chuck Palahniuk since I was a teenager and am now 30 and still follow his work. Seeing him read in the UK at the International Anthony Burgess Foundation (and listening to him read 'Romance') was possibly the highlight of my year. I'm looking forward to 'Make Something Up'.

With best wishes, 

SK Harrison"


Sunday 22 February 2015

"Dear Ms. Harrison,

Can you let us have your mailing address as Mr. Palahniuk would like to send you a gift.

Thank you.

[Chuck Palahniuk's agent]"

Wahooo!!!!