Monkey Think Monkey Do

My two lifted up days on Prozac turned back into just...a day. Feel low, fretting about health (Is that arthritis? Gout? Chillblains? Let's go with chillblains) and swooping to worry about work. My note expires on 14th. 

I'd decided to stay off until then to give my mood to become stronger - my job requires a lot of mental resilience, which I didn't have a problem with when I started. Now I'm scared of being off that whole week. Scared to tell them I've become depressed/anxious when in my interview they asked how I handled stress. 

Not a lot can prepare you for the stress of this job unless you've done it before. And even then it's a battle.

So today I got the bus into the city (a nerve-wracking feat in itself) only to find the city was red and busy with Chinese New Year. Year of the Monkey. 

I've wanted to see it for years. But no emotional reaction. I had some Chicken McNuggets (I could live off these). No emotional reaction. I even reverted to an old compulsion that pops up when I feel really shitty and want to manufacture euphoria or excitement. 

I got another tattoo. 

Not impulsively. Compulsively. I've wanted this for awhile and have others planned and booked, but I felt I had to get this small one today to try to negate that crawling under my skin. A negation behaviour. That fear of the world. A safety behaviour. To me as natural as checking locks three times or being on NHS Choices daily. To check my bag when I get on the bus, during a journey and when I get off to make sure keys, purse, phone and bus pass have not been lost.

I can't stop doing these things. 

I know I'm obsessed with tattoos. And I do enjoy getting them, looking at them and laughing at the silly ones. I'm old. I don't believe every tattoo needs a deep, mystical meaning. A smile will do.

The blokes in the shop seemed as blank as I felt when I showed them the design. They wandered in and out whilst I had my ankle inked, talking about hangovers, Windows 10 and nipples. 

I barely felt the needle. I felt no excitement. That compulsive behaviour failed me today. But maybe the tattoo will make me laugh when I feel shitty.

Or I'll be on Tattoo Fixers next year.

Buzz Lightyear photo bombing like a boss

A Problem Must Always Be Solved

Part of what comes along in the aspie way, is a very strong need to solve any problem that presents itself. Immediately. For example, if I remember I have a book I'd like to skim through for something and can't find it immediately, I will spend around two hours tearing through my flat to find it. The Boyfriend needed sweatpants the other day to chill in and even once he'd put on jeans, I couldn't settle until I'd located said sweatpants, even though he wouldn't be wearing them.

So I have this obsessive/compulsive streak. This proved to have disastrous consequences last night.

Twelve years ago I had my eyebrow pierced and happily, it never grew out. Eighteen months ago I had it taken out by a piercist (I was having a MRI scan soon) who said as I'd had the piercing that long I could easily go three months before it started to close up.

Since then, I've had my piercing in and out, but this time it was out for around six weeks. I tried for ages to get the bar through and wound up giving myself a NEW piercing. I basically forced this tiny bit of metal through my own head, all because I've 're-pierced' before and refused to stop until the job was done. Or it goes wrong and can't be done. 

So, old piercing more or less healed, but aggravated, and an angry new divet in my head. I look like Pinhead.

Luckily the nice people at Holier Than Thou gave me good advice and now have to use healing oils on my perforated eyebrow and then get the original piercing re-done when it's better. All because I have the compulsive need to complete tasks.

And yes, it hurts.