What I Did On My Summer Holidays

[In the spirit of so many of friend's Facebook albums being dedicated to exotic and exciting holidays, here is my own Summer Holiday Essay]

Wow! Arrived in sunny Farnworth today and was gratified to see there was only 30% cloud cover. I'm so lucky!

I listened to the harmonising of sirens go back and forth to the local A&E department and gazed up at a heat-seeking helicopter that appeared to circle the estate. I couldn't hear birds, but at least four different dogs were barking and being told to, 'Shut the fook up!'

The boiler was temperamental and required running down the stairs in a towel to work some dial magic to make the water hot. But eventually I was able to wash my hair with a bottle of Head Strong shampoo, Aldi's finest. 

I visited the local convenience store and was brightened by the range of re-heated pasties, burgers, and chicken fillets. I marvelled that somewhere could sell such low price food with no allergen information or reference to Halal or Kosher. Such simpler ways!

On a Sunday, nothing else is open (not even the famous Pound Bakery!), so I was treated to the local area in all its relaxed splendour. Last night's abandoned scratchcards, bottles, and vomit lined the comfortably wide ginnels on my return to the house.

The day passed more slowly (some would say boringly, but I wouldn't!) and I sat on a warm patch of concrete, drinking a nice cold glass of water that had been boiled to eradicate the recent outbreak of the parasite cryptosporidium. 

That evening I retired to a leg of lamb with lashings of Smart Price ketchup and fell asleep to the dulcet tones of my neighbours snoring through the party wall. 

Discover this gem of the North-West before too many tourists get here!!

Here are my photos from this glorious day:

My arrival on Devil's Road!

A local beauty spot.

The local artwork is divine! 

Local cuisine!

The wildlife is endangered.*

It's advisable to take extra medication when you visit!

All mod-cons here!

A typical local sporting event.

Bolton Rail Station is shut every Sunday from now until October so be prepared to be captured by locals.


*Please note. This mouse was already very dead when the photo was taken. Presumably, like rats, it was sick and came out into the open to die just to shit up the neighbours.