Operation TINA

Adult life is not what I imagined when I was a teenager. I have been Sectioned 13 times, been addicted to alcohol, and seen way too many deaths. But I also have two degrees, a wonderful boyfriend, and have spoken out on BBC Breakfast about mental health. 

My life is currently pending. I am unemployed, but have a job interview soon. I am working on a novel, but have been rejected from every competition and magazine I have submitted to since I graduated (one magazine, Black Static, has, to date, rejected me 5 times). The Boyfriend and I are looking for our first place together and I'm waiting to see if I get funding for a diagnostic assessment for Asperger Syndrome. He is a great artist and I want to be a great writer. 

Things I Like:

Writing

Reading

Tattoos

Rubber duckies

Deep pressure

Unusual facts

Medical information

Pepsi Max / Diet Coke

Japanese culture

Comic books

Things I Don't Like:

Fish

Green food

Bronze coins

Eye contact

Light touch

Insomnia

Headaches

Change

I spend a lot of time on Facebook. I don't call my friends or family enough. I have collected every personal letter I have ever received since I was a child. I have 15 tattoos. I fractured my skull at 11 weeks old. I'm barred from entering the USA. 

Until I met The Boyfriend I succumbed easily to peer pressure. This is part of the Asperger's way. You do things you think might be wrong, but do them because social convention is all about fitting in. I've been trying to fit in all my life, with limited success. This is called 'passing'.

I struggle with personal care, managing money, bright lights / colours, noises, eye contact, and not being obsessive. For example, I struggle every day to overcome an entrenched ritual that I cannot leave my home more than once a day unless with somone. I do constant checks when I'm leaving the flat and when out and about. I get upset if I'm away from the flat for more than 3 days. I do a lot of things in 3s. I can spot small details, but miss the big picture. And when agitated I bang my head or thump my chest. My emotions are not well integrated and I struggle to understand my own and other people's, particularly when they are meant to link up. I don't know if I feel true empathy, except perhaps with The Boyfriend. If my friends or family cry I don't really feel the reflecting emotion. I act like I do, but I don't feel it. I can understand people's thoughts on a cerebral level. Is that a type of empathy?