It is reaching the point where leaving the flat on my own, even to the local shops is proving very difficult. So much so, that it takes me hours to pysch up to it. So, I thought a Tuesday afternoon in town with The Boyfriend doing fun things would be some welcome relief.
Uncharacteristically, it was me that refused to get out of bed in good time. I did not want to go out. But we got to town and saw Big Hero 6, which we'd been dying to see. That was when we realised it was half term. The shopping centre was completely packed. Got through the film fine, but quickly my brain was losing its filter. I was taking in relevant and irrelevant information until I started to feel queasy. We went round a few shops, but Sports Direct finished me off. Too many furrows of clothes, not in a good system, and I started to overheat and had the urge to cry. I told The Boyfriend I had to get out for a bit. I was hand-twisting outside with a drink and then finally we could go home. It took hours for me to come back to an even keel and I hated that on one of The Boyfriend's days off he ended up basically being my carer.
I am now stuck with the dilemma of knowing that staying indoors all day will drive me crazy, because I can hear every single noise inside and out, but if I go outside I'm faced with hundreds of people that I can't decode.
Managed to get out today to see friends, but it was a very anxious affair. Diazepam barely works anymore, my sleep cycle is back to front and I feel like I have to solve every problem immediately.
The funny thing is, to most people they wouldn't spot a problem as I'm so good at 'passing'. It's only when the hand movements start that someone knows something's up.
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